Saying Yes More Slowly — Questioning Requests

Definition

Most people default to "yes" as their fast answer to requests from colleagues, bosses, and others. This is the root of overcommitment. The book's insight: the problem isn't learning to say no, it's learning to say yes more slowly. By pausing to ask clarifying questions before committing, you gain information to make better choices and you often discover that the request was either less urgent, less consuming, or less important than it initially appeared.

The process involves three categories of questions: "Why me?" (probing whether you're the right person), "What's the brief?" (understanding scope and deadline), and "What's the big picture?" (checking alignment with organizational priorities).

In the Book

The coaching tip "How to Say No When You Can't Say No" acknowledges that many high-performers struggle with refusal—"some of us can't even say no to telemarketers." The book reframes the problem: it's not about developing willpower to refuse, it's about slowing down the default reflex.

The three question categories are:

Why me? - May I ask why you're asking me? - Have you asked anyone else? - Have you considered asking X? (He's got some experience with this.)

What's the brief? - When you say "urgent," what does that mean? When's the latest it has to be done? - How much time will this take? - If I could do only part of this, what part would you like me to do? - What does "finished" look like for this?

What's the big picture? - Have you checked this out with my boss? - How does this fit with our three key priorities for this week/month/year?

The example shows Janet, a junior lawyer facing constant requests, using these questions to understand what was actually critical versus what was somebody's quick thought that hadn't been fully vetted.

The book emphasizes that this approach often leads to discovery: the person making the request may realize they haven't thought it through, or you may learn that the deadline is less urgent than implied, or you may find that someone else is actually better positioned to help.

Why It Matters

This concept addresses the root cause of "busywork"—not malice or poor planning by others, but your own default to accommodate. By inserting a pause between request and commitment, you reduce the overall work you take on (some requests dissolve on scrutiny) and you change the quality of requests you receive (if people know you'll ask questions, they think more carefully before asking). It also protects great work by creating a decision gate: instead of great work being displaced by whatever asks loudest, you can evaluate each request against what matters most.