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Stepping Out

Definition

Stepping out means turning your perspective around — from being inside a thought (fused with it) to being able to observe the thought from outside. It's the difference between "I am a fraud" and "I'm having the thought that I'm a fraud." That small shift creates space — what David calls "the space between stimulus and response" — where you can choose how to act instead of being controlled by the thought. It is cognitive defusion: unhooking the tight link between thought and action.

In the Book

David illustrates stepping out through Sonya, a partner at an accounting firm with an MBA and many accomplishments who felt like a fraud. Her imposter syndrome kept her from raising her hand for projects she wanted. When Sonya learned to bring "mindful curiosity" to her experience, she was able to step out. Instead of accepting "I'm a fake" as fact, she could notice: "I'm having the thought that I'm a fake. What else is true?" By turning the telescope around, she could see a wider perspective and act accordingly.

David offers multiple concrete stepping-out techniques:

  1. Call it out: Use the language "I am having the thought that..." or "I am having the emotion that..." This simple reframing creates distance.

  2. Change your point of view: Consider your problem from someone else's perspective — your dentist, your child, even your dog. The shift breaks the grip of your internal narrative.

  3. Think process, not destiny: Reject absolutist stories ("I'm bad at public speaking"). Recognize them as just stories, not destiny. These are "just-so stories," not fixed truth.

  4. Get contradictory: Embrace paradox. You can love and loathe your hometown. You can be both victim and responsible for a relationship breakdown. This flexibility improves your tolerance for uncertainty.

  5. Have a laugh: Humor forces you to see new possibilities. It creates distance from a painful story by finding something funny about it.

  6. Talk to yourself in the third person: Like LeBron James saying "What's best for LeBron James?" instead of "What's best for me?" — this transcends your egocentric viewpoint and helps you regulate your reaction.

David also describes a powerful exercise with executives: they write their deepest fear about themselves on a sticky note ("I'm boring," "I'm unlovable," "I'm a fraud"), slap it on their chest, and then go to a "party" where they introduce themselves by their sticky-note label while shaking hands. After the exercise, people report that the ugly "truth" they'd been carrying has been tamed. By giving their fear a name and having some fun at its expense, they create room to be themselves. They've stepped out.

Why It Matters

Stepping out is the active practice that creates the space between stimulus and response. It makes clear that thoughts are not orders — they are information. Some information you act on, some you mark as "watch this," and some you pitch in the bin. This is how people move from being controlled by their inner critic to using it as just one more data point. It is the difference between "I must act this way because I feel this way" and "I feel this way, and here's what I choose to do about it."